One of my biggest annoyances are “fake or phony” people. I consider myself to be an observant person. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see that Ike’s biological mom had a split personality. See when my husband was around she was nice and engaged. Yet, when he wasn’t it was more of a “f@#% you” vibe. I mean…what the heck? What’s the point of pretending in front of my husband? I’m his wife and what you think of me really doesn’t matter. You weren’t part of the “interview” process during our dating. We are all entitled to our feelings and I understand maybe she was a bit salty but why be rude to me?
Next thing you know, I found myself stooping down to her level and just ignoring her all together. When I tried to describe her actions to my husband he was shocked because she was so nice while he was present. I told him “it’s all a front.” I began to think she had created a plot to make me look like I was being petty and making up things. And it was working cause I fell for it.
As time passed and I realized things would never change until I changed. I shifted. I didn’t allow her behavior to dictate my behavior. Then it dawn on me. What if I was the person being nisty (nice/nasty)? What if her actions were a reflection of the vibes I was putting out? What if my actions were that of the fake people who annoy me the most? I had an “AH HA” moment…her behavior was a mirrored reflection of the behavior I was putting out to her. She was a “victim” just as I had deemed myself a “victim.” She was hurting just as I was hurting.
Most women in their 30’s don’t just have children without the hopes of at least marrying the guy. In her case, my husband would not even consider dating her thoughtless of marriage. But that’s not my business, that was their arrangement. Yet, I found myself judging.
See, I was a teenager when I had Shantia and Damien. Although their father proposed I think that was more of a “what he was suppose to do” and not “what his heart really wanted to do,” type of thing. I say that because there was another girl pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Damien..so you can do the math. Anywho, that’s a story for another day…I digress. Back to the subject. When I dreamt of motherhood I never envisioned me as a teenager with not one but two children by the age of 19. Living on my own with no physical or financial support.
This chick hit the jackpot because my husband was supportive financially and took care of Ike regularly in spite of his decision not to date her. Heck…I didn’t even get that and I got a ring and proposal. Geez.. what an ungrateful woman. I know. I know…it wasn’t my business but why was I so consumed with judging her based upon my opinions? Seriously it was addictive. I could have created a 1 hour, 1 step cure for in-grown toe nails with the amount of energy I put into thinking about her and all of “her issues.” What a waste of time.
Then the light bulb came on. I judged her so much because I refused to understand her pain. I compared her pain to my pain. Damn, she had it better than I did. As a single mother, I didn’t get any support physically or financially. You know what I did get from my children’s biological father? Physical. Mental and verbal abuse. So as far as I was concerned she needed to suck it up and get over it and be grateful.
Looking back, I was selfish, judgmental and closed minded. I judged her unfairly. I judged her based on my life’s experiences. Never thinking or even considering maybe she loved my husband although that feeling wasn’t reciprocated. What if these events triggered past memories of abandonment or rejection? Of course, I have no clue what she was thinking or feeling but it never even crossed my mind to consider she was a person with feelings and emotions. My internal dialog was “I totally understood why my husband didn’t want a relationship with her she’s rude and a host of other things.” This thought falls into the not my business bucket. At this point, the bucket is overflowing.
TIME TO SHIFT GEARS
As I began to dig deeper into my negative, unfair and unsolicited judgement of her I realized the root cause was UNFOREGIVENESS. I hadn’t forgiven myself for being a young teenage single mom and so I selfishly decided since her situation was “better” than mine she did not have a right to complain. Once again, not MINDING MY BUSINESS. The job of minding other people’s business is exhausting and I was ready to QUIT!
Thank God my eyes were opened and I experienced a shift in my thinking. I realized, my first step in healing was to do some internal house cleaning. It started with FORGIVENESS. Once I healed, and FORGAVE MYSELF then my heart was open to being compassionate, loving and understanding towards Ike’s mother.
I was my own BAIT and the SWITCH occurred when I looked in the mirror and changed ME.
HEALING STARTS WITHIN. FORGIVE YOURSELF!