I’ve never been the “sit down and shut up type.” So when I became a “step-mom” I didn’t fit the “traditional” mold. Society’s expectation of me giving 100% and unconditionally loving my “step-son.” While at the same time “staying in my lane” and not overstepping my boundaries. Well, that clashed with who I am.
WHAT DID I SIGN UP FOR?
As a woman I was taught to be bold! Speak up! As parent’s we teach our children to not be bullied or belittled and stand up for themselves and know their worth. However, as a step-mom all of that goes out the window and we are supposed to tip toe around to make sure the biological mom is comfortable every step of the way. Well, that is NOT my job!.
When I married my husband I made vows to him to “love, honor and cherish him till death do us part.” I also committed to loving his beautiful son unconditionally. I did NOT sign up to be a support group to assist a woman who disliked me because I was “the wife” and she was never the girlfriend although she had a baby. I committed to raising this baby boy and teaching him everything I know. I did NOT sign up to be insulted, bullied or belittled because I did not give birth to this child. I signed up to support baby boy in his time of need and love him unconditionally. I did NOT sign up to be dismissed, ignored or badmouthed.
My goals were clear when I married my husband and that was to raise 3 beautiful children in a loving household. Tolerating jealousy, anger and destructive behavior wasn’t on my list. So what did I decide to do? I REFUSED TO DEAL WITH IT!
After custody hearings, restraining orders, countless arguments between my husband and I. I was fed up and I took control of my situation. This woman had overstepped her boundaries and it is only because my husband and I allowed it. We were going about this all wrong. I knew we couldn’t change her behavior. So my husband and I changed our rules of engagement. He set boundaries and refused to communicate with her directly. I became her point of contact regarding Ike. See…I refuse to have another women belittle my husband, curse him out, harass him and in turn impact the peace in our household. GUESS WHAT….IT WORKED! My husband and I immediately had peace in our marriage. Although Ike’s biological mom was pissed and didn’t agree with the decision, she wasn’t our priority. Our top priority was our marriage and raising healthy children in a peaceful and loving home.
Once the smoke cleared and things began to calm down the healing began. By this time, my husband had full legal custody of Ike and he was living with us permanently. I spent loads of time with Ike talking about how blessed he was to have two (2) moms. How he was so special to have three (3) parents who loved him unconditionally. We discussed the importance of not comparing his biological mom to me because that’s not fair since we are different. He even witnessed me chatting with his biological mom and apologizing to each other for our behavior. We set the tone as parents.
It wasn’t easy going though that drama and I can only thank God for giving me the strength and my husband for having a backbone. Ike’s biological mother spent years trying to dismiss me, ignore me, belittle me, meet with my husband privately. And my husband’s response remained consistent “Whatever issue you have with my wife you need to get over it. This is the way things will be. It takes a village to raise a child. She is my WIFE.”
MY HUSBAND HAD MY BACK!
See the support from my husband gave me the permission and extra confidence to know I didn’t have to shrink as a woman and be a “step-mom”, to be stepped all over. His love through his actions and words allowed me to STAND TALL! As he stood by my side through the storm I knew we could overcome anything as long as we were in this TOGETHER! WE ARE ONE…I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!!